I don’t even know what to think. If there’s 1 thing I know it’s that you don’t want me the way I wanted you. And if you do you don’t show it. Why am I seriously gonna put up with you being literally so mean to me. Why am I gonna put up with you ignoring me. I shouldn’t. Because you made it very clear to me that you would always see me as just a friend. And honestly spending time with you and hanging out with you is just not the same. I shouldn’t have to walk on eggshells around you. Or anybody. I can’t even talk to you anymore. I can’t even be myself, or joke with you, or laugh at you, or get 1 fucking kiss from you. You can’t be bothered. I know depression is a tough thing and rarely does anybody ever kick it but if you’re going to be mean to the people who care about you and impatient with the one who loves you every single day then why am I even gonna stick around. I was in love with you from the second I met you, and you smiled at me because you knew. There’s nobody who can tell me I wasn’t. I used to be able to talk to you for hours about literally everything. And you found solace in decompressing with me at the end of every day. It used to be so easy to sit by your side and bask in being in love. You used to talk about wanting to be with me and kissing me and spending time with me. And maybe I’m being selfish but I miss it. I miss all of that. I miss you. And you know what maybe if you aren’t showing me the part of you that used to want me then maybe that’s just it. You used to want me and that time is no longer. I’m sorry but if you aren’t willing to at least work with me through this then I’ll leave it be. I love you and you’re hurting me.
It’s so hard to deal with the fact that I’ll never walk in and see your face again. It’s going to be really rough these next couple months that go by without you. I don’t know who I’m going to run to with my obnoxious questions and my offensive sense of humor. I miss you so much already, saying goodbye to you was one thousand times worse than I could’ve ever prepared myself for.
Max Ernst, Configuration, 1974.
dont ever do this
So I sent him a text today and I was like mike ur pretty and he was like I don’t care about that right now. And obviously like I was joking. Like this was my attempt to make a fool of myself by saying something ridiculous to make him laugh. And there’s the effort right there like there’s me caring about wanting to make your day less shitty even for 1second. And he was like I appreciate that you think I’m slightly more attractive than an average guy but that’s not gonna help me right now. And I was so hurt by that like what the hell. And the other night I was like we need to talk and he was like great. So I went over and was like what’s going on with you like how are you feeling. And he straight up tells me I don’t want to talk about what’s wrong. And so I just sat there crying and he was like what’s wrong so I was like oh now you wanna talk. Like why am I expected to tell you everything and exactly what’s ailing me and you can be a stone. Like what the hell am I gonna put up with that for when you don’t even want to be with me. Like I miss having someone who I could be with and just genuinely enjoy their company. I miss being silly with someone who could out silly me.. I miss laughing. and joy. and surprises about nothing and just knowing someone is thinking about me. and that will never be him. Like why is it I have to walk on eggshells around you. Why is it that you invest all this time in me and for what? To be another friend. Like I don’t need another one of those. I don’t want that. Like yeah I care about you but what the hell is the point of being your friend if all you are is mean to me. You don’t even have to be yelling. Like the simple fact that you literally told me you don’t care hurts my feelings. Because I care. Because I care enough to want to make you happy.
Vincent van Gogh’s last words. (via forgettingtheday)